later that same day......

i got a message from my doctor who just got my results and she said she was confident in the results so no further biopsy needed, proceed as all is normal.

hooray! that helps mentally.

till next time....

and now again, unclear clarity.

mammo clear, ultrasound clear, and today (a week after feeling it conclusively in the office with my doctor) cant even really point out to the FNA clinic which lump exactly my doctor was worried about to biopsy. im taking that the ultrasound tech looked at the whole area and didnt see anything as an all clear. for now.

these temporary stop starts in life every time i have a followup appt are really frustrating.

aaron thinks its just a hormonal lumpy bump.

so ok. for now.

What I remember from reading Dante my freshman year of highschool was that tho there was the inferno, just outside its gates was a crueler fate. Limbo. Where do you go? What do you do? You hang out in a state of unknown indefinitely. Not in Heaven or Hell. Just there.
You would think that at least you know you don’t have cancer. The farther away from treatment you get it gets fuzzier, this notion of “not having cancer.” Every ache and pain becomes framed in “its cancer” until proven otherwise by its fading away or a flurry of hospital visits, ultrasounds and biopsies. Then you go back to the state of non-cancer…until it happens again.
The farther away from treatment in my case the more confident I am that the cancer would not recur. Mostly because it was a quick growing aggressive tumor – most surely if there were random cells they would have been palpable within months, not years.

Yet.

Theres a sense of self obsession that you also get sick of, at least in my case. Always bringing up every ache and pain. Being over aware of everything going on with ones self physically and emotionally. It’s a self awareness that is both revealing and burdensome. I would love to just eat whatever and move on. Everytime I eat something I think I “shouldn’t” eat (because of cancer and not watching my weight or anything ) theres an amount of guilt I decide to swallow. Whatever. You only live once right?

Ive been inordinately positive on this blog in tracking whats been going on with me since the beginning. I think it was totally nessecary at the beginning because it was all too scary to allow any of the other mixed emotions in. This reality has been my new normal for the last 7 years. Its really complicated and I really hate it. That’s the truth.

Im waiting now again to go to get another biopsy. Another freaking week of stress and prep again for what if. Its not as scary as the last two time, but it’s the second time in a year ive had to do this.

In truth. Im totally over it.

Just waiting for Friday to be done with.

whoa.

fast forward. 2009. living in san francisco. aaron n i and our two cats r back in the city. ive actually had a job for more than a year (make that almost 4-?) , and its the little things like our new neighbors noisy air conditioning unit that give us grief and not health and the worries of it.

knock on wood.

ive transferred into the survivorship program here at UCSF mt. zion - its an amazing program where post 5 years from treatment you get the access to the doctors (via thier nurse practitioner) but you dont have to be fit into thier insane schedules. (ive had some issues in the last couple years with my thankfully going in with not much going on and then feeling like i didnt want to take up the doctors time with people needing acute care in the waiting room.)

finished tamoxifen a year and a half ago - now totally cancer drug-free.

upcoming is my 7 year cancerversary (may 2 - calc from the day of lumpectomy)

so far so good.

knock on wood.

we like being mellow, aaron makes wine, i still get obsessed with stuff. i still have to stop drinking so much coffee and we definately need to get a little more exercize in our lives.

normal stuff.

xoxo

oh my god this still exists! um, hi.

Things that are different now:
Its 2005
Herceptin is now the leading drug used for HER2NEU positive breast cancers - yay!
I have pony tails (my hair is shoulder length)
we have 2 cats
i have 2 nephews

Things that are not different:
we still live in echo park
aaron is still the best buddy ever
i cant keep up with updating blogs - pathetic!

I just had my overdue 6mth appointment with my oncologist Dr. Glowalla, every thing is Tip Top, AOK. Im still taking the Tamoxifen, a year and a half to go.

Recently celebrated 3 years cancer free May 2.

Things are fabulous!

Happy Friday the Thirteenth!

happy new year everbody! I am back to updating more often now, this is a sort of new years resolution. in the works is moving this site finally to lixolux, as soon as i figure out how to move the archives i will post a redirect there too. and the start of my craft log "craft work" where you can see the really ugly socks (red, pink, purple, white, mint green) i started knitting at the stroke of midnight, 2003.

to look forward to in 2003: kitten!!, ice skating, china, new york, grad school, knit my first sweater, playing music, photos in editions of books, all to be done, enjoyed and otherwise looked forward to.

yay!

my uncle alsen suggested once that i should do regular google checks on my name to see whats going on in the world about me, unfortunatly i havent been up to much lately, but an idle search brought this article up
and yes i took all those gross pictures, and im rather flattered as well. i was going to post a link to the whole project, but im still really freaked out by it and dont know where it exists in my portfolio, tho im really glad i did it. if you want to see it, email me, otherwise, i move on now.

not that anyone is probably still checking in here since ive been such a flake about writing. poo. ive been stressing the christmas gifts, not being able to make as many as i had planned because my new midday schedule of radiation makes me tired for most of the day. either this part of it is stronger or i just thought it was morning tiredness but geez its kicking my butt fatigue wise.

im in the boost portion of the radiation treatment, monday 12/23 is my LAST radiation treatment hooray just in time for xmas and alot of laziness. The first radiation was a generalized treatment to the entire breast from both sides, and this one is an electron radiation right directly at the scar and where the tumor was. its longer and the hair on my arms get staticy because of all th free electrons all over the place. anyways, so im only good from about when i wake up till 2pm when i get home after radiation, at that point the rest of the afternoon evening looks good from the couch. soon done though, thank goodness.

In other news, aaron got and is working his new job at Disney, hes there now and its so weird to not have him home all the time, that just got natural after awhile. I was in a craft fair this last weekend with allison in silverlake, we sold some stuff and met people it was really good. And our pantry has a roof leak so the kitchen is full of dry goods on every surface its a mess. and the rain! oof its been a weee k already.