hello its the slow one arm typist! I came home yesterday, i didnt have to stay in the hospital and i ate soup this morning! yay! The surgery went better than i was anticipating yesterday, the tumor is only 2cm (smaller than thought) and *no spead* to the lymph nodes. yay yay yay!! I am so so thankful that I was able to just get this taken care of, told my doctor "just get this sucker out" right before i was put under and he did just that and thinks that they were able to get clean margins too. OF COurse nothing is definate until all of the lab results come back next week, there is a possiblity that cells took a back door to the rest of my body, but i am so euphoric for at least thist first victory that it is not in my lymph nodes and that the mass is gone. A couple cells wandering around possibly i can deal with with further treatment and eating right and exercize, but just knowing all of those cells were multiplying... it just feels good and such a relief to have squashed the industrial revolution happening in my breast!

i was really out of it yesterday, shana came to visit and was lucky enough to witness puke-arama 2002. I think it was the anesthesea. (sorry shana!) And later my painkillers made me real goofy and watching americas funniest home videos with one eye open, the other asleep even. I feel really really good today,not much pain, so relieved. my left arm i have to treat as broken, beacuse of the muscles in my chest, but its fine, just i get forgetful as to not using it, i may put bandaids onmy fingers so remember not to use that hand to open doors and stuff.

Thank you *everyone* about your kind words, love hugs emails cards i amso thankful to know so many wonderful caring supportive people in my life. It makes everything so much more lovely...beautiful even, waking up and knowing all the love there is in the world. im sounding real cheesy but i really really appreciate it. Allisons got me some needlepoit patterns and so im going to try to get some beautiful things right back at you. thank you!!

So next step: 5/8 wednesday meeting with doctors and then options for the game plan. im going to do alot of trashy magazine reading and needlepoint until then!

love jp

My surgery is going to be on thursday May 2nd at 7am. Im so glad this is happening in the morning so that theres no time to waste beforehand, being worried and not being able to drink any water. I should be coming home the same day, and perhaps may have to stay over night, but i would not like that no. Natasha was telling me about how when someones in surgery that if lots of people think good thought about them, pray, etc at the time it always ende up better. So if anyones awake then, id welcome the cheerleading. Though if youwere to sleep in, i understand, being the champion of the 12 noon wake up and the late afternoon breakfast as of late. :) Im gonna be aok! I am so excited to get this thing out of me!!

Aaron told me a funny analogy to not be so nervous about the surgery. That ladies all over LA go to have surgery everyday for fake breasts, which is totally a more major operation than i will be having. And that kinda puts it into perspective, that having surgery isnt really scary, iy happens everyday, even electively.

and yes, i did go rollerskating this weekend instead of iceskating, until 2 in the morning, felt reallly good.

mom and dad are in town now, we just got back from eating at Suhiro (my favorite japanese restaurant). Ate sake chasuke, spinich, gyoza and some veggie tempura. yum!

And it seems that the only news right now all over la is the 10 year anniversery of the LA riots, and i am thinking to myself, thats as long possibly that these cells have been dormant, hanging out. I read somewhere that cancer cels replicate only 8 times in a year to start out with, and then multiply obviously as there are more. Im not sure if that is accurate, but it does mean that for most of my adult life these critters hae been there, just waiting. fuckers, at least it was when im in a much better head space than anytime in the last 10 years. In the last year ive really been trying to get it together, be less impulsive and irrational, and surprisingly i feel really good about where my head is even though all this other crap has reared its uglly little presence. But this is proof then, that all this cognitive therapy really does work, does make sense, because i am really calm, and surprising myself.

okiedokie, time for beddybye
jp