and now again, unclear clarity.

mammo clear, ultrasound clear, and today (a week after feeling it conclusively in the office with my doctor) cant even really point out to the FNA clinic which lump exactly my doctor was worried about to biopsy. im taking that the ultrasound tech looked at the whole area and didnt see anything as an all clear. for now.

these temporary stop starts in life every time i have a followup appt are really frustrating.

aaron thinks its just a hormonal lumpy bump.

so ok. for now.

What I remember from reading Dante my freshman year of highschool was that tho there was the inferno, just outside its gates was a crueler fate. Limbo. Where do you go? What do you do? You hang out in a state of unknown indefinitely. Not in Heaven or Hell. Just there.
You would think that at least you know you don’t have cancer. The farther away from treatment you get it gets fuzzier, this notion of “not having cancer.” Every ache and pain becomes framed in “its cancer” until proven otherwise by its fading away or a flurry of hospital visits, ultrasounds and biopsies. Then you go back to the state of non-cancer…until it happens again.
The farther away from treatment in my case the more confident I am that the cancer would not recur. Mostly because it was a quick growing aggressive tumor – most surely if there were random cells they would have been palpable within months, not years.

Yet.

Theres a sense of self obsession that you also get sick of, at least in my case. Always bringing up every ache and pain. Being over aware of everything going on with ones self physically and emotionally. It’s a self awareness that is both revealing and burdensome. I would love to just eat whatever and move on. Everytime I eat something I think I “shouldn’t” eat (because of cancer and not watching my weight or anything ) theres an amount of guilt I decide to swallow. Whatever. You only live once right?

Ive been inordinately positive on this blog in tracking whats been going on with me since the beginning. I think it was totally nessecary at the beginning because it was all too scary to allow any of the other mixed emotions in. This reality has been my new normal for the last 7 years. Its really complicated and I really hate it. That’s the truth.

Im waiting now again to go to get another biopsy. Another freaking week of stress and prep again for what if. Its not as scary as the last two time, but it’s the second time in a year ive had to do this.

In truth. Im totally over it.

Just waiting for Friday to be done with.